I always beg for forgiveness when I feel guilty. Some people keep blaming me for no reason, while others just want someone else to take the blame and that ends up being me. What makes them think they are always right? They’re not angels, not even judges. Please, stop judging me and assuming I’m always wrong. I’m just a human, like you.
Now I am alone, powerless, without any guidance. I feel hopeless. I have no idea why; sometimes the formula works, sometimes it doesn’t. After 11 years of research, I’m desperate, and it all feels meaningless. But there’s a silver lining: my hemorrhoids are slowly improving with intermittent fasting.
Whenever I encounter trouble in my work, I remember what my mother said when she was still alive. She told me my life would be hard after she passed away. Mom, you were so cruel! Why did you hate me so much? You cursed me when I was still a child, too young to even walk properly. What big mistakes could a toddler have made? Why did you curse me, Mom?
My Vision
“Jouhatsu” has become my favorite word these days. I wish I could have enough money to rent a small house and disappear without a trace, leaving my wife and my past behind. Oh God, I love Japanese culture; “jouhatsu” is better than “harakiri” or “seppuku.” I dream of escaping, living alone somewhere else, free as a bird, living like a king. Without my mother, my wife, or any annoying human friends.
However, I’m just a sinner, what else could I expect? I hate this life, I hate my family, and sometimes, I even hate myself. I have nothing left. No one can help me. I’m not sure if I should give up right now.