I’m disappointed with this life. If I threw a stone at someone, I believe that stone would come back to me as bad karma. How about if I helped a family become rich by supporting their business? Would that come back to me as good karma?
I only expect something in return from God, so I do my best to be good in front of Him. I don’t need to write a lot; God knows I truly want to finish my 11 years of research. So I beg for His help when no one else can even try to help me.
Letting go seems like the best choice to lift this burden of high expectations. Back in reality, I’m just poor, diabetic with complicated diseases, powerless, and cursed. The last thing I always remember is what my mom said 40 years ago, when I was still a toddler: “Susah siah hirup mun urang geus eweuh!” She told me that my life would be hard after she passed. She kept saying it over and over, angrily.
I’m surrendering now, even as my heart keeps asking for help from the Almighty. When I look back, I see myself as a sinner with dozens of disgraces. Maybe this is why the world hates me, and why I hate this world too. I’ve taken a complicated journey with many obstacles and rough streams. Sometimes, I forget to thank God for keeping me alive this far. I have to admit and accept that these are my choices, and the risks are mine to bear. Forgive me, God. I often get angry with You, and I promise it won’t happen again.
Right now, I’m just sick of it all. When my mom was alive, I always prayed for her safety and long life, but in return, I received her curses. She cursed me over and over whenever she was angry or upset. Whatever I did was always wrong in her eyes.
I have nothing left now. As a cursed child, I can’t expect much. Life has hit me hard, and I don’t ask too much if I want an easy death. I won’t ask God for more, only for gratitude. But deep inside, my heart keeps whispering, “God, please help me!”