Her face is beautiful. She’s my junior high school friend. I stalk her Facebook, my mind filled with sensual fantasies. However, I must admit a painful truth: I’m no longer the man or gentleman I once was. I’m not sure if I’m even human.
Type 2 diabetes has caused erectile dysfunction. I’m impotent. I won’t hide this as a shameful secret. In five days, I’ll be 45. My life feels empty, filled with poverty and sickness. I await death, but agony hasn’t arrived yet.
My Vows
If I complete my current research, I promise that 50% of my monthly profits will be dedicated to building free public infrastructure and facilities. These will include initiatives such as a free e-learning portal, free web hosting for nonprofits, and free SEO services for small businesses, along with a free endorsement program. Additionally, a portion of the funds will be donated to non-governmental organizations operating in fields like environmental conservation, children’s education, healthcare, and more.
If I can obtain all files from my teacher’s digital library, I promise to forgive everyone who has hurt me. However, for certain individuals who persist in bothering me during and after the process of radical forgiveness, I intend to take revenge in my own way, without physical contact or verbal abuse; I just want to make them experience the consequences of their actions and I really want to see them suffer.
For every new piece of cybersecurity knowledge I learn, I will teach it to the members of my education portal, following Feynman’s advice: “If you want to master something, teach it.”
And for the love of Allah, I will avoid Mr. M. and Mr. L., as they are heretics. Mr. M. was the greatest obstacle between 2013 and 2014, and the cause of all the trouble I went through. Because of him, I spent 11 years on research that should have been completed in just 3 months. I don’t owe them any explanation because they will never understand me. Different worlds, different understandings.
I believe I have nothing to lose by committing to these vows, as I’ll be half a century old in five years. Dear God, please help me.